an artist’s blog

This Brain of Mine

3/3/2020

8:42 am ET

Last night I “helped” my boyfriend finish his math homework. He had been working on things for a while and his brain was turning to mush. I looked at his computer and recognized that he was solving math equations that I used to love and so I took over. The problem was that even though I recognized the problems and specifically remember excelling with this type of work, I had absolutely no idea where to start. It was as if I had only ever been described the shape of the equation. My eyes recognized the exponents and each individual number, but I could not figure out how to solve the equation.

Luckily, my boyfriend is a fantastic teacher, and after a few problems I was really getting the hang of things. It was so exciting to find that I could still complete the problem. In high school I always felt so proud of my mathematical understanding. I did well on tests, and often found myself helping other students complete difficult problems. I enjoyed math (even though I loved to pretend otherwise) and sitting there last night I realized just how much I miss it. Maybe I don’t miss high school, or the loud football players that surrounded my seat, or the even louder girls in the back of class laughing at whatever they could laugh at. I do miss being challenged. I miss my progress being recorded, I’ve never been one to shy away from a test. I love numbers, and being able to see how well I did on a test that may have stumped a large portion of my classmates (I’ve always been fairly competitive). I crave things that make my brain’s wheels turn, and what forces those wheels like solving a math problem? Since leaving school it’s as if my brain doesn’t work on it’s own, if there are gears in there they aren’t well oiled or turning on their own. The fact that my brain slowed down the way that it did is my biggest reason for wanting to return to school. I crave knowledge so badly, but more than that I crave opportunities to show I have the knowledge.

Looking into things further, and I think maybe I just miss being challenged and being knowledgeable. It often feels like there is nothing in my daily life that challenges me other than myself. I think there are subtle challenges (that maybe only I consider a challenge) like making my animals happy, maintaining a healthy relationship, maintaining a healthy mind frame, keeping up on friendships and family relationships, and lots of other little things that I am constantly consciously trying to improve and be the best version of myself for. I like to compare myself to myself, and having that allows me to keep track of my own “numbers” as things in my life get healthier, happier. Once I recognized that this mindset works well for me, I was able to take a step outside of my own head and really review the things that matter most to me, while placing a value and a heath level on relationships and goals. But this has become my every day and a part of who I am, so as I become more comfortable handling these things the challenging aspect slips away. I try to present obstacles for myself, find problems that need solving. I’m constantly chasing fulfillment, and fulfillment does not live within relaxation.

Currently I’ve tasked myself with a number of goals that are art related. I’m launching a brand, working on a big project, juggling commissions, and trying my best to still create things to post on social media to keep my viewers interested and entertained. I’m working with new mediums (digital and gouache) to try and continue being creative without being burnt out. I’m teaching myself how to create professional documents and beautiful logos and other professional designs. (I’m also testing myself with a few non-art related goals, such as learning Spanish and figuring out ways to improve my 8-5 day job).

I’m mostly writing this out because I am endlessly curious about this brain of mine. Am I this way because I am an artist? Am I an artist partly due to my need to succeed (I know, I’m a poet). Do other artists often feel stagnant and empty without the structure offered in traditional education?

I’ll always wonder what life would have been like had I gone to school and furthered my education. I know I’ll always have the opportunity to go back as life slows down, but am I missing out on the time of my life? Would I find true completeness in organized education, frequent tests, and provided available mentors?

This thought process is not to be confused for that of an unhappy person. I am incredible satisfied in my daily life as far as my relationship and personal goal progress goes. There will always be room to improve and as long as I am not only aware of that fact but trying my best to be my best, I can find happiness. I do not need immediate success, I’m lucky to find success in the smallest of things. I get to be a winner everyday that I come home to cats that love me, a boyfriend who values me, and a family who supports me. It’s cheesy as heck but incredibly true, and incredibly valuable to giving my life purpose.

I’ll continue mulling this over because I think this desire (the desire to do MATH 5 years out of school) can tell me so much about who I am and who I want to be, and most importantly, who I’m meant to be.