an artist’s blog
Giving In
1/17/2020
1:38 pm ET
Giving up, giving in, giving it all away. The thought crosses my mind multiple times a day. I spend so much time wondering whether it’s worth it to chase my dream. I weigh out the contents of my thoughts. I could quit focusing on art, pour my energy into my current position, get a second job, and feel financially comfortable for the first time in ages. OR I could continue to struggle but work harder on my art, spend more time marketing myself, make more products, figure out how to sell my art without becoming a sell-out.
In my mind, all it takes is hard work. I keep thinking that if I put the effort in, the universe will provide me with opportunity. I’m finding each day that it’s less about the work you put in and more about timing, talent, and audience. It’s more about having the funds to put yourself ahead of the game, having the energy to meet other artists, having the time to create enough work that a larger portion of the sample size is sell-able.
Lately my ears focus less on the people who believe in me, and more on the doubts behind the words that come from stranger’s mouths. It doesn’t always have to be said to be felt. There are people who believe that becoming a successful artist is intangible. Artists are called “starving artists” for a reason. I often wonder how well the term translates into real life.
I will continue to chase the unreachable goal of a full-time artist. I know it seems unreasonable when the odds are so clearly not in my favor, and many artists before me have failed. I’m going to keep trying because every time I look at my art I am overwhelmed with the desire to create, I am overwhelmed with the feeling of “home” with a paint brush in my hand. I am chasing this because I believe I was meant to make art. I believe I was meant to share my thoughts and feelings, my joy and deepest despair with people in creative ways.
It is so easy to demolish the worth of a painting. It’s only paint on a canvas. My work is not functional, and often times it does not tell a story that is easy to follow. A painting holds an idea, a feeling, hours of work, years of practice. One painting holds the last 21 years of weight that sits upon my shoulders day in and day out. My art is worth the freedom I am given when I create something to look at, to think about.
If I was not meant to make art, why do I feel parts of myself pour from my body, shoulder, arm, wrist, hands, onto the canvas? If I was not meant to make art, why does my office chair feel like a thousand bricks holding me down at the bottom of the ocean? If I was not meant to make art, why is creating the only time when my mind is silent? It doesn’t make sense to live in a world where I am not creating.
That lends into a conversation about whether my passion should also be my job. I wonder if there is any value in pursuing a life where I create for a living. In my mind, true fulfillment will only come from living from my art. I find I can describe my work ethic in Chipotle terms. (Odd, but valid, I worked there for a while and used Chipotle’s 13 characteristics to define who I am as a worker, and who I want to be). These characteristics are -
Smart
Curious
Honest
Polite
Respectful
Infectiously enthusiastic
Conscientious
Presentable
Ambitious
Happy
Hospitable
High energy
Motivated
Throw in creative and you’ve got yourself (what I believe are) the necessary characteristics to run a business. I want to approach my life as an artist the same way a business person may chase their business idea. In becoming successful, I would be branding myself, marketing my services, selling merchandise, and handling finances. If it can be believed that someone can start a business, it can be believed that I can become a professional artist.
I’m sharing these thoughts because I know I will find myself here again. I also know that I’ll look back on this blog and pity my past self for not believing I could accomplish all the things I will accomplish. It’s an odd feeling to both doubt and believe in yourself simultaneously. I know that I want to be my own boss, make my own living, and control my own life. I have always been sure that I would run my own business, the difficult part is converting my art capabilities into business capabilities, without losing myself along the way.
When my uncertainty quiets, I am submerged in confidence in my art and in myself.